Stupid candies. They don't count as food but I shouldn't be sucking on them. It's just so hard. I WANT to eat. I'm not hungry at all. I'm looking forward to being skinny AND able to eat again....so tonight i'm going to whole foods and getting a huge thing of cranberry juice and flaxseed oil. And I'm going to start the treadmill tomorrow. This weight is going to be GONE damnit.
Scale: 144.6
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Day 14
Tonight at 6pm signals eactly 2 weeks of not eating. I feel kind of sluggish today. Dove into my bible last night but what I ot out of it:
- Seek wisdom and knowledge, they're most important and will lead to a prosperous life.
- Keep God in mind pertaining to everything.
So. The first one pertains to knowledge and wisdom in general, but also that I should read the Bible more. ANd the second, clearly haven't been including God in all aspects of my life.
Scale: 145.6. I've decided I want to be signed with Ford Atlanta, and get the Abercrombie campaign. Those are my goals for this year. :)
As of tomorrow I'm going to start adding ACV, Cranberry Juice, Flaxseed Oil, and Lemon Juice to my fast. They're "fat flushers" and I'm going to try and do 45-1hour of cardio per day (cardio being walking on the treadmill at a slow pace without any resistance.)
34-26-38 WHOMP WHOMP. If my butt would just go away!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Day 13
Weight: Still 146.4.
I feel like I've reached a plateau. That's no fun. I want the weight to go away, I'm not eating anything, leave me!!! lol.
Right now I would like to eat...but I'm not hungry. But it's not like the crazy cravings a week ago, it's more of a mild "Yes I know you're not going to eat, but please feed me."
I went to Whole Foods and gauged all the stuff I'm going to buy after the fast is over. Can you believe its been 13 days?
But still...gained a bunch of info...off to class.
I feel like I've reached a plateau. That's no fun. I want the weight to go away, I'm not eating anything, leave me!!! lol.
Right now I would like to eat...but I'm not hungry. But it's not like the crazy cravings a week ago, it's more of a mild "Yes I know you're not going to eat, but please feed me."
I went to Whole Foods and gauged all the stuff I'm going to buy after the fast is over. Can you believe its been 13 days?
But still...gained a bunch of info...off to class.
Days 11 & 12
I'm getting awful at my pledge to write everyday, but work and school have been killing me. My boss needs to understand that the days I'm OFF....I'm OFF.
Day 11 weight: 147
Day 12 weight: 146.4
Lame. Day 11 I felt good, and all happy, overall there's a sense of well being. The cravings come and go but not nearly as intense as before!
Day 11 weight: 147
Day 12 weight: 146.4
Lame. Day 11 I felt good, and all happy, overall there's a sense of well being. The cravings come and go but not nearly as intense as before!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Days 9 & 10
I didn't write yesterday because it was homecoming, but this is the gist:
I was annoyed all day. Between starting my period at 2am, a friend constantly calling/texting for stupid shit, being poked and prodded for attention all day, and having guys be super disrespectful....I was seriously irritated.
So by the end of the day I was soooooooooooooooooo annoyed that I wanted comfort food. And I made a conscious decision to eat shitty food. Then I spent an hour on the phone with Starr thinking about the ramifications of my action. She continuously asked, "So you eat, and then what?"
I don't know.
In the end I cried because before the fast I was constantly thinking about NOT eating, and now that I'm not eating, I was constantly thinking about eating and craving all bad food. Do you see how fucking annoying that is? Add my period AND a day of irritation and I was just in a bad mental state.
Granted, the website says that thinking is completely ridiculous and not to be trusted, and my heart was also swelling and taunting, "Yeah, bitch. Try to eat. See what happens." And I knew that deep down in my heart of hearts there was no way I was going to touch a morsel of food.
The spiritual side of me was correct. In the war of spiritual vs. flesh, spiritual kicked ass. Flesh hasn't said shit since.
The cravings are still there a LITTLE, but not at all like they've been for the past couple of days. I think I've reached that "zone" and "silence." It's nice. All I'm thinking about is this essay.
Temptation comes at me all the time, but I'm learning that there is more than meets me the eye. I don't need all that crap, I've had it before, and that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in now. And I'm really looking forward to eating all those bad things healthily! (Like waffles...I can't wait to buy my own waffle iron and go get some whole grain pancake mix and make blueberry whole grain waffles and pancakes. With organic butter and syrup! Or whole grain muffins with organic butter and syrup. And salmon. And tasty chicken. And steamed veggies with yummy spices. See...I can eat well and bad.)
So...now it's jut getting to the end of the fast. Clearly I won't be eating. I'll most likely decide when the best time is to break the fast as the days wear on. My short term goal is 21 days, but 30 days if I can make it. I definitely think I can make it.
I'm so happy today. After that break down last night I just feel uplifted like I can do ANYTHING. And it totally rocks. Today it was gorgeous outside!! They planted purple flowers in the median of the highway and they were gorgeous. Such a clear day. And it felt amazing outside.
So...yipppee!! Off to my essay.
Day 9 scale: 149.4
Day 10 scale: 147.0
I was annoyed all day. Between starting my period at 2am, a friend constantly calling/texting for stupid shit, being poked and prodded for attention all day, and having guys be super disrespectful....I was seriously irritated.
So by the end of the day I was soooooooooooooooooo annoyed that I wanted comfort food. And I made a conscious decision to eat shitty food. Then I spent an hour on the phone with Starr thinking about the ramifications of my action. She continuously asked, "So you eat, and then what?"
I don't know.
In the end I cried because before the fast I was constantly thinking about NOT eating, and now that I'm not eating, I was constantly thinking about eating and craving all bad food. Do you see how fucking annoying that is? Add my period AND a day of irritation and I was just in a bad mental state.
Granted, the website says that thinking is completely ridiculous and not to be trusted, and my heart was also swelling and taunting, "Yeah, bitch. Try to eat. See what happens." And I knew that deep down in my heart of hearts there was no way I was going to touch a morsel of food.
The spiritual side of me was correct. In the war of spiritual vs. flesh, spiritual kicked ass. Flesh hasn't said shit since.
The cravings are still there a LITTLE, but not at all like they've been for the past couple of days. I think I've reached that "zone" and "silence." It's nice. All I'm thinking about is this essay.
Temptation comes at me all the time, but I'm learning that there is more than meets me the eye. I don't need all that crap, I've had it before, and that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in now. And I'm really looking forward to eating all those bad things healthily! (Like waffles...I can't wait to buy my own waffle iron and go get some whole grain pancake mix and make blueberry whole grain waffles and pancakes. With organic butter and syrup! Or whole grain muffins with organic butter and syrup. And salmon. And tasty chicken. And steamed veggies with yummy spices. See...I can eat well and bad.)
So...now it's jut getting to the end of the fast. Clearly I won't be eating. I'll most likely decide when the best time is to break the fast as the days wear on. My short term goal is 21 days, but 30 days if I can make it. I definitely think I can make it.
I'm so happy today. After that break down last night I just feel uplifted like I can do ANYTHING. And it totally rocks. Today it was gorgeous outside!! They planted purple flowers in the median of the highway and they were gorgeous. Such a clear day. And it felt amazing outside.
So...yipppee!! Off to my essay.
Day 9 scale: 149.4
Day 10 scale: 147.0
Friday, October 19, 2007
Day 8
Hello void.
Scale: 149.4 lbs. I'm right, the cravings are the worst between 7 and 10pm. Yesterday I was good up until I saw a huge pumpkin full of candy...i had to lick the inside of the reese's.
Surprisingly, it tasted the same. I had a sip of Starr's Arizona Iced Tea the other day and it tasted WAY different, way more tangy. But the reese's and the gum tasted the same....so.....I ono.
Its funny how we crave all the bad stuff, but I think there's a justification for that: for years I've been stuffing my stomach with "bad" fuel. So as they're emptying out of my body, my body is craving more because that's what it's used to using as fuel. The problem with this is that "bad" fuel also help me put on 20 lbs....of fat. And that bad fuel fat is now being burned AS energy. So I feel crappy.
But I read this thing on the website (freedomyou.com) and it said the worse it is, the better the outcome. That alone saved me from not eating yesterday. Ohhhh my gosh. And I'd be kind of disappointed if I stopped now and pigged out (instead of continuing the raw food diet).
Plus: if I don't try, I'll never ever find out if I can succeed in this business. It's day 8. I've lost 11 pounds. Yeah, I feel crappy, but I can't wait for how happy I'm going to be when the photographer's see me and snap those photos. If it doesn't work out (with the industry), then it doesn't work out. But at least I tried. And I believe it will work out...
Update 7:16pm: Yep. Cravings are bad. This just proves how awful I've been eating for the past couple of months. JEEZE. I could never allow myself to quit but temptation is trying to close in. I. WIll. Succeed.
Scale: 149.4 lbs. I'm right, the cravings are the worst between 7 and 10pm. Yesterday I was good up until I saw a huge pumpkin full of candy...i had to lick the inside of the reese's.
Surprisingly, it tasted the same. I had a sip of Starr's Arizona Iced Tea the other day and it tasted WAY different, way more tangy. But the reese's and the gum tasted the same....so.....I ono.
Its funny how we crave all the bad stuff, but I think there's a justification for that: for years I've been stuffing my stomach with "bad" fuel. So as they're emptying out of my body, my body is craving more because that's what it's used to using as fuel. The problem with this is that "bad" fuel also help me put on 20 lbs....of fat. And that bad fuel fat is now being burned AS energy. So I feel crappy.
But I read this thing on the website (freedomyou.com) and it said the worse it is, the better the outcome. That alone saved me from not eating yesterday. Ohhhh my gosh. And I'd be kind of disappointed if I stopped now and pigged out (instead of continuing the raw food diet).
Plus: if I don't try, I'll never ever find out if I can succeed in this business. It's day 8. I've lost 11 pounds. Yeah, I feel crappy, but I can't wait for how happy I'm going to be when the photographer's see me and snap those photos. If it doesn't work out (with the industry), then it doesn't work out. But at least I tried. And I believe it will work out...
Update 7:16pm: Yep. Cravings are bad. This just proves how awful I've been eating for the past couple of months. JEEZE. I could never allow myself to quit but temptation is trying to close in. I. WIll. Succeed.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Day 7
Weight: 150.2 lbs
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw some I guess acne...they were pink, maybe three spots on my right cheek, but today they're starting to go away. I was forewarned about it, but I almost did a little freak out.
Yesterday was all right. TOwards the end of the night I started to crave everything, and this heiffer in one of my classes opened up a tupperware full of spaghetti across the room and I instantly knew what it was without looking. It smelled delicious.
Mostly at night there are recurring thoughts of "eat....just do it..." especially about Ruby Tuesday's burger....oh my gosh.
I dont feel well today, my stomach is like FEED ME>
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw some I guess acne...they were pink, maybe three spots on my right cheek, but today they're starting to go away. I was forewarned about it, but I almost did a little freak out.
Yesterday was all right. TOwards the end of the night I started to crave everything, and this heiffer in one of my classes opened up a tupperware full of spaghetti across the room and I instantly knew what it was without looking. It smelled delicious.
Mostly at night there are recurring thoughts of "eat....just do it..." especially about Ruby Tuesday's burger....oh my gosh.
I dont feel well today, my stomach is like FEED ME>
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Day 6
9 pounds. That's pretty frickin amazing. Scale says: 151.0
WOOHOO! My jeans are falling off. The photographer from the networking event posted photos and I look so ugly. I mean, the photo is fine, but it doesn't recommend me at all. Whatever....those same jeans are the ones falling to the floor right now.
My measurements haven't changed much, other than that initial inch we kicked to the curb. I miss meat. I don't think eating healthy from now on will be a problem.
I'm feeling a bit tired, like I want to go hide under the covers. And after I prayed my way up two flights of stairs I was soooooooooooooo out of breath. But that's okay...I've lost 9 pounds dude. 9. That's like...almost 10.
Its effing amazing.
WOOHOO! My jeans are falling off. The photographer from the networking event posted photos and I look so ugly. I mean, the photo is fine, but it doesn't recommend me at all. Whatever....those same jeans are the ones falling to the floor right now.
My measurements haven't changed much, other than that initial inch we kicked to the curb. I miss meat. I don't think eating healthy from now on will be a problem.
I'm feeling a bit tired, like I want to go hide under the covers. And after I prayed my way up two flights of stairs I was soooooooooooooo out of breath. But that's okay...I've lost 9 pounds dude. 9. That's like...almost 10.
Its effing amazing.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Day 5
Grooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
I feel like my body is hiding under a rock but I'm forcing it to come out into the sun. I'm completely sluggish and completely opposite of yesterday. I thought about McDonald's bacon egg and cheese biscuit breakfast but I had absolutely no desire to actually stop and buy one. That's scary.
Not hungry at all. Me and my water are wonderful, but I feel dead.
On a lighter note, weight: 152.2.
Muahahahahaha.
Update 6pm: I wanted to kill everything for about two hours. Especially the parking people. The internet as well...fucking business cards just wont work!!! OH MY GOSH. In general wen I get frustrated I get super pissed and flustered. Add not eating and you get a PMS BITCH. All water today. Nothing of anything else. Christin is so impressed with my results I think she started her own fast today.... :)
I feel like my body is hiding under a rock but I'm forcing it to come out into the sun. I'm completely sluggish and completely opposite of yesterday. I thought about McDonald's bacon egg and cheese biscuit breakfast but I had absolutely no desire to actually stop and buy one. That's scary.
Not hungry at all. Me and my water are wonderful, but I feel dead.
On a lighter note, weight: 152.2.
Muahahahahaha.
Update 6pm: I wanted to kill everything for about two hours. Especially the parking people. The internet as well...fucking business cards just wont work!!! OH MY GOSH. In general wen I get frustrated I get super pissed and flustered. Add not eating and you get a PMS BITCH. All water today. Nothing of anything else. Christin is so impressed with my results I think she started her own fast today.... :)
Monday, October 15, 2007
Day 4
Today was awful. We went shopping (again). The smells drove me CRAZY. I was weak and without energy so my stupid ass decided to get a smoothie...I asked her if they used whole fruit, she said yes, but i saw some "lemonade" go into the mix...when I tasted it it was almost pure sugar. It messed up my stomach so i had a little more than half and gave the rest to Star.
We passed Cinnabon....ohhhhhh my gosh. Orgasm. I thought about every food imaginable today. Panda express...olive garden breadsticks and alfredo...pb&j...frosting...any and every kind of pasta imagineable...parmesan cheese...burritos...in n' out, steak n' shake, jack in the box, mcdonald's bacon egg and cheese biscuit *YUMM*, waffle house...cheeseburgers!!!!
Then we went into Ikea and (stupid again) perused the swedish food section...a thought crossed in the back of my mind:
"Go ahead, eat it...you can be a normal person, you don't have to model...eat it."
I ALMOST LISTENED TO THE LITTLE VOICE. For about three seconds I was entirely convinced that I was just a normal ass person, not on a diet, and almost bought whatever food it was (I think it was some kind of Swedish dessert...sounds like me, eh?). I CANNOT believe I thought that!!!!
Then my friend Casey made some really good smelling (and tasting, I put some in my mouth, chewed, and spit it out) marinara breaded chicken parmesan penne pasta....holy crap.
Today has by far been the hardest day, but I've learnt my lesson: no smoothies, no chewing and spitting out.
"It's like you're bullimic, but instead you voluntarily spit it out..."
-Casey on me bent over the kitchen trash spitting out chicken.
Never doing that again. Cravings are at the WORST.
Weight: 153.0
We passed Cinnabon....ohhhhhh my gosh. Orgasm. I thought about every food imaginable today. Panda express...olive garden breadsticks and alfredo...pb&j...frosting...any and every kind of pasta imagineable...parmesan cheese...burritos...in n' out, steak n' shake, jack in the box, mcdonald's bacon egg and cheese biscuit *YUMM*, waffle house...cheeseburgers!!!!
Then we went into Ikea and (stupid again) perused the swedish food section...a thought crossed in the back of my mind:
"Go ahead, eat it...you can be a normal person, you don't have to model...eat it."
I ALMOST LISTENED TO THE LITTLE VOICE. For about three seconds I was entirely convinced that I was just a normal ass person, not on a diet, and almost bought whatever food it was (I think it was some kind of Swedish dessert...sounds like me, eh?). I CANNOT believe I thought that!!!!
Then my friend Casey made some really good smelling (and tasting, I put some in my mouth, chewed, and spit it out) marinara breaded chicken parmesan penne pasta....holy crap.
Today has by far been the hardest day, but I've learnt my lesson: no smoothies, no chewing and spitting out.
"It's like you're bullimic, but instead you voluntarily spit it out..."
-Casey on me bent over the kitchen trash spitting out chicken.
Never doing that again. Cravings are at the WORST.
Weight: 153.0
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Day 3
Stepped on the scale this morning: 154.8 lbs. WOOHOO!!!!! Down six pounds on the morning of Day 3...thats awesome.
Last night I had some trouble falling asleep. Hunger pains still aren't that bad, but who knows? All my juice is gone (never taking juice before I go to sleep ever again, I think that was a contributing factor) except for carrot juice.
Instead I'm going to make another trip to Whole Foods and grab some Flaxseed Oil (rec: 2 tbls per day), Cranberry Juice, and I think that was all....Lemon and ACV I already have so...mer.
Today my hunger has a little more MMMPH. No juice today (cuz its GONE, but that was the goal so...) I think I'll continue drinking 6 ounces of carrot juice a day, just because my eyesight is going to shit.
My friend told me that Ford (Model Management) scouts will be here next Saturday. I'm not ready...proving my point that I should always be prepared and ready for anything. So many opportunities have come my way and I haven't been able to seize them because of my (weight) addiction and sabotage of food.
Christin and I are now talking about the Thanksgiving Miami trip!!! WOOHOO!!!
"Would you like some bagel with that cream cheese?"
Update: 10.36PM: Hunger has had me wandering the kitchen all day. That whole "out of sight, out of mind" concept is soooo true! I went downstairs to watch a movie, not a good idea because in every other scene they're eating something delicious, and I found a box of twizzlers under the TV stand...where the hell did that come from? I smelled them...they smelled so fresh!!!
In the kitchen it was the worst. Caramel apple dip was teasing me. The frozen waffles in the freezer screamed "TOAST ME!! BUTTER ME!!! SYRUP ME!!" Even the honey was dying to be opened. The Honey Mustard was chillin on table daring me to open it, at one point it was so bad I had to open the freezer and take out some frozen fruit. I'd chew it and swallow the juice, then spit out the "food" part of it just to feel like I was eating. I licked some cinnamon (it's a thermogenic) and even had a dash of Season All (not allowed, but I figured it was more like half of a dash for taste wouldn't murder me). Honey is okay as well, just as long as I don't eat the entire bottle.
I had a swig of apple juice, a swing of carrot juice, and mostly water with ACV in it all day today. Hopefully that will help with the fat flushing.
ADIDABB: All Day I Dream About Bread and Butter. OH MY GOSH that's the worst. Toasted bread, with delicious butter melting on it. That image has stayed in my mind. And I've been fantasizing about twizzler's. I had to flick them off the table and back onto the floor just so they'd be out of sight. I thought about Ruby Tuesday's hamburger again...and grilled cheese...and cheese in general, especially white cheddar and jack like on my chipotle burrito...oh yeah.
I'm doing well, its almost the end of Day 3. I'm looking forward to seeing how much weight I've lost in the morning. :) I miss salmon. And cheese. And bacon. Ooooh, bacon. Even salad...or a cucumber. Shit, SOMETHING. Anything!!! I want to go lick the butter stick in the fridge...the hunger itself isn't that bad, but just the thought of FOOD is driving me apeshit crazy. The cravings are ridiculous. I'm not even hungry, every so often my tummy will rumble, but I drink some water and that goes away. It's the addiction and habit of eating that's driving me nuts.
Just some thoughts...
"Would you like some yogurt with that granola?"
Last night I had some trouble falling asleep. Hunger pains still aren't that bad, but who knows? All my juice is gone (never taking juice before I go to sleep ever again, I think that was a contributing factor) except for carrot juice.
Instead I'm going to make another trip to Whole Foods and grab some Flaxseed Oil (rec: 2 tbls per day), Cranberry Juice, and I think that was all....Lemon and ACV I already have so...mer.
Today my hunger has a little more MMMPH. No juice today (cuz its GONE, but that was the goal so...) I think I'll continue drinking 6 ounces of carrot juice a day, just because my eyesight is going to shit.
My friend told me that Ford (Model Management) scouts will be here next Saturday. I'm not ready...proving my point that I should always be prepared and ready for anything. So many opportunities have come my way and I haven't been able to seize them because of my (weight) addiction and sabotage of food.
Christin and I are now talking about the Thanksgiving Miami trip!!! WOOHOO!!!
"Would you like some bagel with that cream cheese?"
Update: 10.36PM: Hunger has had me wandering the kitchen all day. That whole "out of sight, out of mind" concept is soooo true! I went downstairs to watch a movie, not a good idea because in every other scene they're eating something delicious, and I found a box of twizzlers under the TV stand...where the hell did that come from? I smelled them...they smelled so fresh!!!
In the kitchen it was the worst. Caramel apple dip was teasing me. The frozen waffles in the freezer screamed "TOAST ME!! BUTTER ME!!! SYRUP ME!!" Even the honey was dying to be opened. The Honey Mustard was chillin on table daring me to open it, at one point it was so bad I had to open the freezer and take out some frozen fruit. I'd chew it and swallow the juice, then spit out the "food" part of it just to feel like I was eating. I licked some cinnamon (it's a thermogenic) and even had a dash of Season All (not allowed, but I figured it was more like half of a dash for taste wouldn't murder me). Honey is okay as well, just as long as I don't eat the entire bottle.
I had a swig of apple juice, a swing of carrot juice, and mostly water with ACV in it all day today. Hopefully that will help with the fat flushing.
ADIDABB: All Day I Dream About Bread and Butter. OH MY GOSH that's the worst. Toasted bread, with delicious butter melting on it. That image has stayed in my mind. And I've been fantasizing about twizzler's. I had to flick them off the table and back onto the floor just so they'd be out of sight. I thought about Ruby Tuesday's hamburger again...and grilled cheese...and cheese in general, especially white cheddar and jack like on my chipotle burrito...oh yeah.
I'm doing well, its almost the end of Day 3. I'm looking forward to seeing how much weight I've lost in the morning. :) I miss salmon. And cheese. And bacon. Ooooh, bacon. Even salad...or a cucumber. Shit, SOMETHING. Anything!!! I want to go lick the butter stick in the fridge...the hunger itself isn't that bad, but just the thought of FOOD is driving me apeshit crazy. The cravings are ridiculous. I'm not even hungry, every so often my tummy will rumble, but I drink some water and that goes away. It's the addiction and habit of eating that's driving me nuts.
Just some thoughts...
"Would you like some yogurt with that granola?"
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Day 2
Technically last night counted as Day 1, but I was too tired at 1am (oooh, big bad bedtime) to even write.
Last night I got off work at 9, went over to my model friend Christin's house and got ready for this uber chic magazine and photographer combination party. Woohoo! Entire point of me going: To network. I'm the network QUEEN. If there's a party, I'm bound to find out the "most relevant" people pertaining to MY situation and gently schmooze them. Gently. I don't do that whole:
"Hi, I'm Italy, what's your name?"
"Jim Stamos, nice to meet you."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a photographer."
"OH MY GOSH I'D LOVE TO SHOOT WITH YOU WHAT'S YOUR PHONE NUMBER?!?!?"
(This situation applies in the business world, too....maybe more so in the business world...) Anywho, gentle schmoozing works, and I got a couple of AWESOME contacts and after I lose this weight I'll post the photos from the shoots.
(BY the way: I just went to publish this and it didn't, and I lost half of this so this is me doing it over again......fucking a.) Anyways, back to motivation, I gently schmoozed a couple of photographer's, I didn't get to talk to anyone with the magazine, but I think I'll just email the editor-in-chief and call it a day. I was also happy to find that I was one of the taller model's there, and probably tied, or in second, for fattest. :) Woohoo!!
Overall it was a success, I made some awesome contacts that I can't wait to work with and really focus on my "new" book after I'm done with this weight!!!
I had one drink: water with a lemon slice at the rim. I went back to the car and my stomach felt empty so I drank an entire bottle of water before I was in the middle of a police roadblock, got a citation for a three month old tag:
"WHY is she standing there looking at my tag still? It's not going to change. Like, ferseriously, she's been staring at it for twenty minutes and the numbers haven't magically moved once, I guarantee it."
An epiphany happened at the roadblock as Christin and I were literally CHILLIN on the side of the road (as a driver in a Ferrarri WHIZZED by the police) and I wondered if it had been a different friend would I have reacted differently. For the most part (other than the previous statement) I was calm, and super nice and happy to the policewoman. She wasn't being a bitch, so why should I ? But I could easily see that if a different friend had been here, would I have been angry? Frustrated? Pissed that I didn't go with the other route? Interesting.
I had two dreams last night about food, each the same incident occurring in a different way. I dreamt, twice, that I had unconsciously taken a bite of food to eat (just ONE bite) and swallowed, then instantly realized that I blew my fast...but was like "oh, well, I'll just keep going." So....weird. Its subconsciously in my brain somewhere though, that's all this tells me. I WILL NOT EAT DAMNIT!
Not eating is surprisingly easy....I feel a benign hunger right now, but thats only because my daily regimen is to eat inthe morning and continue throughout the day. SO....meh.
Update: 8.30pm: So...today I went shopping with my best buddy and roommie, Star. We found nothing. Went to another mall, nothing. The entire drive (Atlanta is super spread out) I was daydreaming about bread....with butter. And usually a trip to the mall warrants a dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, or Maggiano's and knowing that today there wasn't going to be one I was sad. I can't help but think about Ruby Tuesday's burgers...special sauce...OH MY GOSH yummmm.
So we were invited to a barbeque...and I didn't think it was going to be as tempting as I thought. The first ten to twenty minutes were the WORST. They had macaroni and cheese, baked chicken, greens (ew), and cheeseburgers. I'm like....you just HAD to wait this far into the semester to have a housewarming bbq??!?! WTF?!
I really really wanted to just put some mac'n cheese in my mouth and savor the taste and spit it out, but I knew that would be cheating and would end in disappointment and depression. The worst part of it was when we sat down in the living room and the entire room was silent because they were DIVING into their food. So I turned to the TV, where some soft porn was going on (again; WTF?!?) and that murdered my appetite.
Day 2 almost complete!! WOOHOO!!
PS: So I had Star take some photos of me this morning (via polaroid) just to document this entire thing....well, I must say, the camera does. not. lie. I didn't know I looked THAT bad (although Polaroids do have a tendency to make you look worse...)...still. eeks.
PPS: I weighed myself earlier today before a shower: 157.6
Last night I got off work at 9, went over to my model friend Christin's house and got ready for this uber chic magazine and photographer combination party. Woohoo! Entire point of me going: To network. I'm the network QUEEN. If there's a party, I'm bound to find out the "most relevant" people pertaining to MY situation and gently schmooze them. Gently. I don't do that whole:
"Hi, I'm Italy, what's your name?"
"Jim Stamos, nice to meet you."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a photographer."
"OH MY GOSH I'D LOVE TO SHOOT WITH YOU WHAT'S YOUR PHONE NUMBER?!?!?"
(This situation applies in the business world, too....maybe more so in the business world...) Anywho, gentle schmoozing works, and I got a couple of AWESOME contacts and after I lose this weight I'll post the photos from the shoots.
(BY the way: I just went to publish this and it didn't, and I lost half of this so this is me doing it over again......fucking a.) Anyways, back to motivation, I gently schmoozed a couple of photographer's, I didn't get to talk to anyone with the magazine, but I think I'll just email the editor-in-chief and call it a day. I was also happy to find that I was one of the taller model's there, and probably tied, or in second, for fattest. :) Woohoo!!
Overall it was a success, I made some awesome contacts that I can't wait to work with and really focus on my "new" book after I'm done with this weight!!!
I had one drink: water with a lemon slice at the rim. I went back to the car and my stomach felt empty so I drank an entire bottle of water before I was in the middle of a police roadblock, got a citation for a three month old tag:
"WHY is she standing there looking at my tag still? It's not going to change. Like, ferseriously, she's been staring at it for twenty minutes and the numbers haven't magically moved once, I guarantee it."
An epiphany happened at the roadblock as Christin and I were literally CHILLIN on the side of the road (as a driver in a Ferrarri WHIZZED by the police) and I wondered if it had been a different friend would I have reacted differently. For the most part (other than the previous statement) I was calm, and super nice and happy to the policewoman. She wasn't being a bitch, so why should I ? But I could easily see that if a different friend had been here, would I have been angry? Frustrated? Pissed that I didn't go with the other route? Interesting.
I had two dreams last night about food, each the same incident occurring in a different way. I dreamt, twice, that I had unconsciously taken a bite of food to eat (just ONE bite) and swallowed, then instantly realized that I blew my fast...but was like "oh, well, I'll just keep going." So....weird. Its subconsciously in my brain somewhere though, that's all this tells me. I WILL NOT EAT DAMNIT!
Not eating is surprisingly easy....I feel a benign hunger right now, but thats only because my daily regimen is to eat inthe morning and continue throughout the day. SO....meh.
Update: 8.30pm: So...today I went shopping with my best buddy and roommie, Star. We found nothing. Went to another mall, nothing. The entire drive (Atlanta is super spread out) I was daydreaming about bread....with butter. And usually a trip to the mall warrants a dinner at Ruby Tuesday's, Cheesecake Factory, Olive Garden, or Maggiano's and knowing that today there wasn't going to be one I was sad. I can't help but think about Ruby Tuesday's burgers...special sauce...OH MY GOSH yummmm.
So we were invited to a barbeque...and I didn't think it was going to be as tempting as I thought. The first ten to twenty minutes were the WORST. They had macaroni and cheese, baked chicken, greens (ew), and cheeseburgers. I'm like....you just HAD to wait this far into the semester to have a housewarming bbq??!?! WTF?!
I really really wanted to just put some mac'n cheese in my mouth and savor the taste and spit it out, but I knew that would be cheating and would end in disappointment and depression. The worst part of it was when we sat down in the living room and the entire room was silent because they were DIVING into their food. So I turned to the TV, where some soft porn was going on (again; WTF?!?) and that murdered my appetite.
Day 2 almost complete!! WOOHOO!!
PS: So I had Star take some photos of me this morning (via polaroid) just to document this entire thing....well, I must say, the camera does. not. lie. I didn't know I looked THAT bad (although Polaroids do have a tendency to make you look worse...)...still. eeks.
PPS: I weighed myself earlier today before a shower: 157.6
Friday, October 12, 2007
Day 1
Hello void. My name is Italy and I have a fucking food complex. Hmm...how does a twenty year old somewhat intelligent college student obtain a food complex? Simple. A better question might be, who doesn't have a food complex these days!?!?!?
Am I fat? Not really, no, although my "regular sized" clothes (size 4 jeans in Express) don't fit. When I first tried to lose some weight (earlier this year) I started at 150 lbs, and within a month and a psychotic workout and "nutrition" (coughDIEtcough...heavy on the die) I lost 10 lbs and weighed a miraculous 140 lbs. Then after Spring Break in Miami (and some photoshoots) my piece of shit Audi died and I had no way to get to the gym.
Then, I went home for the summer and *surprise surprise* gained more weight with my Chinese step mother's fantastic cooking. So....a couple of weeks ago when I realized that there was NOTHING in my closet my obese ass could fit in...I got a job at the gym.
So here I am, 160 lbs (20 lbs heavier than my smallest point this year, and 10 lbs heavier than Valentine's Day of this year) and working at the gym. But you know how when you start working somewhere, you no longer want to spend any extra time there that's more than necessary?! So...yeah. That was my dilemma, too.
Yesterday I was offered a modeling job overseas, and was very sorry to have to tell the photographer that I'm no where near swimwear shape. It makes me so angry and frustrated, but self sabotage (as far as food is concerned) is a never ending concept.
So yesterday, I said fuck it. Fuck food. No more food. Well....I can't starve myself, but I can fast. Now, yes, the majority of my reason for fasting is due to weight loss...but I'm also trying to completely break off my psychological sabotage. I'm sick of it. I hate the extremes of the spectrum where I'm either calorie counting carrots or ravenously bingeing a chipotle burrito. Clearly, straddling the line between starving and bingeing has put me here. Another reason for the fast is so I can play in the spiritual world.
So, goals: lose weight, break of psychological addiction to sabotaging food (self control), having a fresh starting point, and to get closer to God.
--Day 1--
I woke up and went to Whole Foods, where I was inundated with "100%" fruit juice bottles. I felt like Neo in the Matrix when he asked for guns, and a billion rows came flying at him. I started noticing the difference between labels, they all claimed to be 100% juice, but some were from concentrate, "naturally" enhanced with other flavors, some even had fructose corn syrup (artificial sugar thats REALLY bad for you). So which bottle is the golden ticket to fat flushing??
"Excuse, me sir, what does 'from concentrate' mean?"
"Well...what exactly are you looking for?"
"Juice, like the kind that someone less lazy than me would put fruit in a juicer...and drink it."
"Not from concentrate."
Thank you. So...some are more expensive than others, but I got the cheapest, purest kind I could find, starting with; Carrot juice, naturally enhanced with lemon juice, Apple juice from my home county (haha, how delighted I was!!!), and a blend of cranberry, pear, grape, and apple juice.
So for the past week now I'd been bringing carrots to work and eating them in the morning, so I thought I'd start out with the carrot juice. Tastes....different than what I was expecting, but actually after a couple of swigs quite addicting.
I'm here at work with a huge surge of energy! I texted my friend that I felt like I was on happy crack. I'm all smiles, pleasure, and giddiness. And best of all, my evil coworker can't steal my carrots anymore!!!!
I'm most concerned about my psychological addiction to food. For the most part, I used to eat when I wasn't hungry. If I was hungry, I'd overeat simply because the food was there and I didn't know when my next meal would be (being a broke college student will do this to you). I also would eat waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. Burritos and sandwiches have been known to literally disafuckingppear right in front of my face. Hunger pains I'm not too worried about, it's the lack of actually chewing food in my mouth that's going to kick me the most.
Because I'm at work for my first day, I started out with juices, but during the weekend it's my plan to drink only water (I need to lose the weight!!!!). Supposedly (for most) the first three days are the worst and then hunger **disappears**.
My first attempt at fasting will be at least 21 days, if I can make it to 30 I'm going to try. Tiz all for now, will update as soon as something interesting happens. :)
Day 1 Measurements: 36-28-40.5
Day 1 Weight: 159.8 lbs.
Update: 5.12pm: Like I predicted, it's not so much that I'm hungry, than me actually psychologically being USED to eating. Hunger pains are minimal, nothing to even barely groan about...but then again, each time I feel "hungry"I swallow some apple or carrot juice. Mostly my feet are tired from standing up all damn day. Tomorrow I'm going to start wiening myself off of the juice and add a LOT more water.
Oh, and, uh...I've been to the bathroom like seven times today.
Am I fat? Not really, no, although my "regular sized" clothes (size 4 jeans in Express) don't fit. When I first tried to lose some weight (earlier this year) I started at 150 lbs, and within a month and a psychotic workout and "nutrition" (coughDIEtcough...heavy on the die) I lost 10 lbs and weighed a miraculous 140 lbs. Then after Spring Break in Miami (and some photoshoots) my piece of shit Audi died and I had no way to get to the gym.
Then, I went home for the summer and *surprise surprise* gained more weight with my Chinese step mother's fantastic cooking. So....a couple of weeks ago when I realized that there was NOTHING in my closet my obese ass could fit in...I got a job at the gym.
So here I am, 160 lbs (20 lbs heavier than my smallest point this year, and 10 lbs heavier than Valentine's Day of this year) and working at the gym. But you know how when you start working somewhere, you no longer want to spend any extra time there that's more than necessary?! So...yeah. That was my dilemma, too.
Yesterday I was offered a modeling job overseas, and was very sorry to have to tell the photographer that I'm no where near swimwear shape. It makes me so angry and frustrated, but self sabotage (as far as food is concerned) is a never ending concept.
So yesterday, I said fuck it. Fuck food. No more food. Well....I can't starve myself, but I can fast. Now, yes, the majority of my reason for fasting is due to weight loss...but I'm also trying to completely break off my psychological sabotage. I'm sick of it. I hate the extremes of the spectrum where I'm either calorie counting carrots or ravenously bingeing a chipotle burrito. Clearly, straddling the line between starving and bingeing has put me here. Another reason for the fast is so I can play in the spiritual world.
So, goals: lose weight, break of psychological addiction to sabotaging food (self control), having a fresh starting point, and to get closer to God.
--Day 1--
I woke up and went to Whole Foods, where I was inundated with "100%" fruit juice bottles. I felt like Neo in the Matrix when he asked for guns, and a billion rows came flying at him. I started noticing the difference between labels, they all claimed to be 100% juice, but some were from concentrate, "naturally" enhanced with other flavors, some even had fructose corn syrup (artificial sugar thats REALLY bad for you). So which bottle is the golden ticket to fat flushing??
"Excuse, me sir, what does 'from concentrate' mean?"
"Well...what exactly are you looking for?"
"Juice, like the kind that someone less lazy than me would put fruit in a juicer...and drink it."
"Not from concentrate."
Thank you. So...some are more expensive than others, but I got the cheapest, purest kind I could find, starting with; Carrot juice, naturally enhanced with lemon juice, Apple juice from my home county (haha, how delighted I was!!!), and a blend of cranberry, pear, grape, and apple juice.
So for the past week now I'd been bringing carrots to work and eating them in the morning, so I thought I'd start out with the carrot juice. Tastes....different than what I was expecting, but actually after a couple of swigs quite addicting.
I'm here at work with a huge surge of energy! I texted my friend that I felt like I was on happy crack. I'm all smiles, pleasure, and giddiness. And best of all, my evil coworker can't steal my carrots anymore!!!!
I'm most concerned about my psychological addiction to food. For the most part, I used to eat when I wasn't hungry. If I was hungry, I'd overeat simply because the food was there and I didn't know when my next meal would be (being a broke college student will do this to you). I also would eat waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. Burritos and sandwiches have been known to literally disafuckingppear right in front of my face. Hunger pains I'm not too worried about, it's the lack of actually chewing food in my mouth that's going to kick me the most.
Because I'm at work for my first day, I started out with juices, but during the weekend it's my plan to drink only water (I need to lose the weight!!!!). Supposedly (for most) the first three days are the worst and then hunger **disappears**.
My first attempt at fasting will be at least 21 days, if I can make it to 30 I'm going to try. Tiz all for now, will update as soon as something interesting happens. :)
Day 1 Measurements: 36-28-40.5
Day 1 Weight: 159.8 lbs.
Update: 5.12pm: Like I predicted, it's not so much that I'm hungry, than me actually psychologically being USED to eating. Hunger pains are minimal, nothing to even barely groan about...but then again, each time I feel "hungry"I swallow some apple or carrot juice. Mostly my feet are tired from standing up all damn day. Tomorrow I'm going to start wiening myself off of the juice and add a LOT more water.
Oh, and, uh...I've been to the bathroom like seven times today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)