Days 9 & 10

I didn't write yesterday because it was homecoming, but this is the gist:

I was annoyed all day. Between starting my period at 2am, a friend constantly calling/texting for stupid shit, being poked and prodded for attention all day, and having guys be super disrespectful....I was seriously irritated.

So by the end of the day I was soooooooooooooooooo annoyed that I wanted comfort food. And I made a conscious decision to eat shitty food. Then I spent an hour on the phone with Starr thinking about the ramifications of my action. She continuously asked, "So you eat, and then what?"

I don't know.

In the end I cried because before the fast I was constantly thinking about NOT eating, and now that I'm not eating, I was constantly thinking about eating and craving all bad food. Do you see how fucking annoying that is? Add my period AND a day of irritation and I was just in a bad mental state.

Granted, the website says that thinking is completely ridiculous and not to be trusted, and my heart was also swelling and taunting, "Yeah, bitch. Try to eat. See what happens." And I knew that deep down in my heart of hearts there was no way I was going to touch a morsel of food.

The spiritual side of me was correct. In the war of spiritual vs. flesh, spiritual kicked ass. Flesh hasn't said shit since.

The cravings are still there a LITTLE, but not at all like they've been for the past couple of days. I think I've reached that "zone" and "silence." It's nice. All I'm thinking about is this essay.

Temptation comes at me all the time, but I'm learning that there is more than meets me the eye. I don't need all that crap, I've had it before, and that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in now. And I'm really looking forward to eating all those bad things healthily! (Like waffles...I can't wait to buy my own waffle iron and go get some whole grain pancake mix and make blueberry whole grain waffles and pancakes. With organic butter and syrup! Or whole grain muffins with organic butter and syrup. And salmon. And tasty chicken. And steamed veggies with yummy spices. See...I can eat well and bad.)

So...now it's jut getting to the end of the fast. Clearly I won't be eating. I'll most likely decide when the best time is to break the fast as the days wear on. My short term goal is 21 days, but 30 days if I can make it. I definitely think I can make it.

I'm so happy today. After that break down last night I just feel uplifted like I can do ANYTHING. And it totally rocks. Today it was gorgeous outside!! They planted purple flowers in the median of the highway and they were gorgeous. Such a clear day. And it felt amazing outside.

So...yipppee!! Off to my essay.

Day 9 scale: 149.4
Day 10 scale: 147.0